It’s been a while! You’re still missed as much as you were to begin with, I don’t think that will ever change. Although the sadness isn’t as bad as it once was, it’s still there when we remember the fun times we can no longer share with you in a the ways we want to… oh where do I start…
Things have been interesting to say the least… we had to move house again, but that’s not the end of the world, we’re grateful to have a roof over our heads and the kids have made good friends here as have I! So I decided to shake things up in January, and turned everything around for the better (I hope), I was sick of being sick and found a good guy willing to help me out. When I think of all the time wasted being ill it really makes me angry that we missed out on so much even though we still tried. Long story short I copped on and changed to vegan and decided cannabis oil would be my meds from now on. By April a few months on the results medically were coming back better than ever, for the first time in a long time I felt human and could properly start enjoying life again rather than going through the motions. Thankfully this has lasted! Although I know I’ve been asking you to pull many strings for myself and the kids and I feel you’re working your magic since you’ve left, as no matter how bad things have become, it’s always turbulent for a while but it always seems to balance out in the end!
My body got so well that now I’m expecting again… a wee brother or sister for the chaps, I expected they would be annoyed but they weren’t, but it’s a deal breaker if it’s a girl they tell me. Although Cor is having second thoughts on this and tells me now it would be somewhat acceptable to have another female in his midst! Saoirse is also really happy about it! Telling me she doesn’t care that she’s still going to call it her brother or sister. She’s a proper little warrior same as the boys… taking everything in stride just like you! I’ve got the honorary title of “step-Mam” amongst her friends. That gives me a little buzz because in a way she’s always felt like one of mine and this is how she will always be treated no matter how old she gets! She’s not to keen on school, nor is Fionn, Cor doesn’t mind it! She’s also tried out her makeup skill on Cor, he was faaaabulous daaaah-ling , he was delighted with himself! Think we could have a performer in our midst. She’s turning into a stunning young woman although when she dresses up I think noooo! I still remember you as that two year old that couldn’t say “sausage” properly! Time has gone so fast.
I’ve been asking you to help me out a lot with this pregnancy too, and I know you have been… because for some reason my body is managing what should be impossible. But you always told me that it would. So thank you for staying with us.
The kids have been amazing, Fluff is hitting the tweens now we’ve been calling them! He can be testing at times when he gets the little burst of hormones or the little burst of “ugh Mam, you’re so uncool…” but I know that’s par for the course, my usual response is “I love you too babe!” I can tell this peeves him off, but we are picking our battles. Deep down he always will be a Daddy’s boy but he is also a Mammy’s boy and does and awful lot to help me out… he’s very intuitive and sensitive to what’s going on around him, so I know when he’s asking if everything is ok, he’s picking up on a worry or a change in atmosphere. But the one good that’s come from all of this is the brute force honesty in emotions, and he will now sit down and pour his little heart out no matter what it is and say how he’s feeling. I know he’s missing you terribly still. But he copes with this by reminiscing over the fun times! He has his little tribute to you in his room, a photo of you holding him on the beach when he was a baby. He says goodnight to you before bedtime every night. We’ve a photo of you on the landing hall table too… I’ve noticed he touches this every time he passes it, for comfort or to bring him luck or strength I don’t know, but he’s got his rituals that help him feel closer to you. I know as he gets older and we are missing you for the big events, he will always find a way to include your memory. This is important to him and to all of us, that you’re still part of this family no matter where you are…
Cormac is just absolute gas, the clown that you were, he’s become. His goal is to make everyone smile and be happy and if he accomplishes that then it’s been a good day. He hates to see anyone sad or hurt. He’s a real sticking plaster and worries a lot about me going like you did but this is something he needs less assurance of as time goes on. As he sees me become stronger I think his faith is being restored a little. He reminds me of you so much, the eyes, the smile, the humour, the sensitivity… he was devastated to discover the tooth fairy wasn’t real this year.. silly mammy forgot two nights in a row to put the money under the pillow! We had meltdowns of mammoth proportions. He very much believes in magic. He is convinced Santa is very ready because there is no way I could’ve been in hospital that same Christmas you had died and Santa still brought all those presents! I’m so grateful to the group of parents that got together to do this for me at a time I couldn’t, you kept the magic going for my chaps when the light was pretty much extinguished.
People have been amazing. We have some really top notch people in our life who I call family and I would have been lost without them these past two years. My gran Nancy passed away recently… it made me think of all the times Joe used to carry you from the car up the hill into her house on his back for a cup of tea and the two of you giving it good ould banter, she loved you to bits. I never forget the year she bought you socks for Christmas same as she did for all the men, but this was a privilege because no partner got socks other than her son in laws! She was mortified when the lads told her you didn’t have any feet to put them on! But you broke your arse laughing when I told you and jeered her over it afterwards, I think it was cigarettes you ended up with! But she gave as good as she got, I always loved seeing you two together and I like to think you’re up there having the craic since… that helps me deal a little better with the fact you’re both gone…
Mikey I could go on for days, most importantly we love you to bits, always have and always will. You’ve left a massive hole that we try to fill with the epic memories you’ve left behind although we know this is impossible. Thank you for being in our lives and leaving the 3 wonderful gifts you have, as long as they live on you’ll never be gone. They all remind me of you in so many different ways but they all have your good heart.
I hope you got the messages they sent up to you this evening! We’ll chat soon babe, thank you for helping us heal through being such a big presence in all of our lives.
Love you to the moon and back always,
Titccccchhhyy and the Sproglets 💙