Sort out that makeup, get that contour just right, those cheekbones need complete definition, those eyebrows should be microbladed on to the classification of “on fleek” – oh and don’t forget the high heels and the body skimming dresses that are stuck to a nice slim figure – but not too skinny though, those men like curves, skinny enough not to be fat – the perfect 10 but remember those breasts and ass need to pop – those are the “moneymakers” and what all women are judged on foremost.
The first cardinal rule of being a woman is making sure you’re up to date with fashion – buy clothes regularly – making sure to have the proper colours associated with this seasons latest trends – oh, but you must remember to keep your old clothes as well so you can mash up your style to “retro”. Besides, we all know girls that a woman can never have too many pairs of shoes! It’s paramount over the years that you collect as many pairs as you can, for shoes maketh the woman and define just how womanly you are. Remember to be up to date with the latest celebrity gossip – god forbid you should hold a particular opinion on politics or anything worthwhile – you really shouldn’t worry yourself with bigger matters of the world dear. Marry into money so you’re a kept woman and don’t need to worry about keeping your nose stuck in books. Your looks are far more important.
Your body – well that should be flawless at all times – all the advertising says so! Skin as smooth as silk – the most important body rule. Ladies – an attractive woman doesn’t have body hair – so those legs, pits, upper lip and whatever else should be pruned, preened, waxed or shaved! Psssst… not forgetting the vagina! What grows naturally isn’t natural – remember that! Otherwise – what man is going to want you?
You should be properly toned thanks to a regime of yoga and gym at least twice a week, your stomach should be flat – no muffin tops – you should accentuate an hourglass figure where your hips open out after your modest waist. Not forgetting the most important item in our armour – the push up bra – those girls look best when they are standing up and perky, the bigger the better – no breasts should be left hanging out naturally.
Not forgetting the all important power of perfume and deodorant – a thick cloud should be applied daily – NOBODY should know what your body scent smells like – well – that’s if you ever want to appeal to anyone. Never EVER leave the house without completing this ritual. Oh and ladies – don’t forget those pantyliners – you know… the scented ones to absorb any uncomfortable smells from “down there”.
Speaking of “down there” make sure to be in control of those bits ladies – get your contraception sorted – you shouldn’t become pregnant too young, too old, too sick, too poor, unemployed, while working on your career, when you have too many kids already, when you’re single, or when society deems you as “not the type to make a good mother”. We need to be mindful of these societal norms – we don’t want to be upsetting the ethos of the church and the judgmentals of our communities. Even though we fought hard to Repeal the 8th for our own bodily autonomy and we now have the right to terminations for unplanned pregnancy – you need to be mindful who you speak to about this. Abortion is a dirty word in Ireland still. Any woman who has one – well she’s to be shamed. There is no acceptable reason and even if there was – we all know if it becomes public knowledge – we’ll be the talk of the town outside the Church gates on the Sunday morning after mass…
“Did ya hear about yer wan…?” You know yourself – so make sure to only get pregnant when the timing is perfect. Swallow your contraceptives like a clever woman until then. Then when the time comes you magically turn into a healthy, nurturing and perfect mother.
Don’t forget to remain attractive to your partner after pregnancy. You must immediately begin to lose that baby weight. No excuses! He’s not going to care that you’ve not slept since you were 7 months pregnant and the size of a beached whale, he’s not going to care that your boobs are sore and leaking from breastfeeding – and running is making it worse. He’s not going to care that your vagina is on fire from pushing something the size of a bowling ball through it or that your caesarean section scar feels like it’s about to rip open spilling the contents of your insides out with it! You only spent 9 months growing another human – no reason to be letting yourself go – get your shit together. You’re making the rest of us look bad.
Evolution has made us girls able to juggle ten things comfortably at once – you should be able to deal with these issues calmly as they occur – your attention should be split equally with as much care shown for one task as the next. So if the baby is screaming, the older kids are killing each other, dinner is burning on the cooker, the fire needs to be lit, the laundry needs to be hung and in the middle of it your nosey next door neighbour pops in to say hello you should welcome them graciously, offering tea and biscuits while you discreetly manage the rest of the chaos around you making it seem effortless while apologising to your guest for the state the house is in and be sure to inform them it was clean this morning.
Speaking of managing things – your menstrual cycle isn’t something to be discussed publicly. It’s an uncomfortable topic for the majority and I don’t care how hormonal you are, a grown woman should be able to get a grip on her emotions- a hot water bottle for the painripping through you and couple of paracetamol will do the finest. You may get used to it girls – what else can you do – nobody is going to listen to you moan for a full week once a month for 30 odd years. Women shouldn’t be angry – anger is for the alpha male. Not for soft creatures like us. We are supposed to be nurturing and sweet.
Speaking of anger, you’ve only yourself to blame if you go out in skirts that are too short – underwear that is too sexy – looking tooprovocative- in heels that are too high and a dress that hugs your body too tightly. Men can’t be held accountable for their actions. What right do you have to say no then? What right do you have to tell them to fuck off if your outfit is screaming “RIDE ME“? You’ve only yourself to blame, remember that. We dress for men and not for ourselves. You better just roll with it – no point screaming that he abused you if you went out all tarted up in the first place. Oh and don’t forget when you are on that night out or that walk home from wherever – don’t walk alone – women should always go in pairs. You never know when a poor defenceless man might feel overcome with the need to attack you while you’re walking on your own. You’ve a much better chance of survival in pairs – also carry your pepper spray and rape alarm.
Be strong. But be soft.
Don’t be a “too much” woman. Nobody likes a “too much” woman.
Oh and sweetie – SMILE!! You look so much prettier when you smile…
Claire Malone Rationale
(My Little Woman- the future of women – a big 1 year old on this international Women’s Day 2019 – be a TOO MUCH woman – this world needs more of them!)
ploddingalongquietlycrazy 